Worst. Halloween. Decorations. Ever. Part II

Welcome back to my second year of “Worst. Halloween. Decorations. Ever.” special!  This year’s cornucopia of crap comes from the people that brought you White Trash and Ghetto Fab America, Wal-Mart, and the stars of discounts for dummies K-Mart, as well as the upper-class with no class Target.   And lastly and leastly, the store that every Family Dollar aspires to be…You wanted the best, well they couldn’t make it…so here’s Big Lots.  Everyone hold their applause. (Insert cricket noises here.)

Maybe it because I’m a purist, and I don’t take my Halloween lightly. Maybe it is because I hold the holiday sacred and appreciate the thought that many put into their decorations and costumes. Maybe it is because I’m an asshole. No, that’s not it…I’m far past that.

Here is my abbreviated list of things that you should be embarrassed to owning.  If you do own any of these items that I am about to rip to shreds, don’t admit to it, just burn them in a small bonfire out on a dirt road somewhere so that they may never tarnish our beloved holiday again.

I want to send a special “Up Yours!” to Target and Wal-mart for having such craptastic software that disables viewers from downloading their pictures. They probably know what I was going to do with them! I highly encourage you to follow their links to see such train wrecks.

But Mommy I Don’t Wanna Grow Up Adult Costume



Yeah, because you are not douchey enough as it is, so here is a costume for you! Why does “Mommy’s” fac e look like she smells a dirty diaper? Here is what I really want to know: How much did they pay this model? Can you imagine the conversation he had with his friends and family after this photo shoot?

Model: So I modeled for a few costumes and they are going to be on Wal-Mart’s website.

Friend: Oh yeah? Which costumes? Batman? Jason? The banana?

Model: Not exactly.

Friend: Well which ones man?

(Model goes to laptop and pulls up the page)

Model: Yeah? Yeah? What do you think.

(Friend gets up with his beer and walks off)

Model: What? I needed the money!

Well, at least it isn’t the pregnant nun costume again. FAIL!


Walking Tongue Clown



Clowns are already bothersome. The last thing that we need is some animatronic “Douchey the Clown” that has a “walking tongue”. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m damn sure not interested in finding out. The description says “massive tongue”. Now I welcome you to make any sexual joke that you want here folks, but may I just remind you that the tongue is still attached to a five foot robotic clown that looks like it has scabies. Oh! Not so turned on anymore, huh? Fail!


Totally Ghoul Animated Dancing Skeleton



Dances to Flashdance’s  terrible dance (s)hit “Flashdance…Oh What A Feeling”. Do I really need to make fun of this turd or can you already see the humor in just how dumb this really is? Who really needs a skeleton in a coffin dressed as Jem and the Holograms, that shakes its hips to late 80’s dance music that sync to LED lights? This item had so much potential until they gave it to the intern and let them finish the project. Can you imagine everyone sitting around the meeting table:

BOSS: Any ideas of what the skeleton can dance to?

1st EMPLOYEE: I think all the kids like that Rob Zombie guy.

2nd EMPLOYEE: You know Alice Cooper has that “Welcome to My Nightmare” song. That scares my wife.

BOSS: Hmm. Yeah. You! The new guy in the back, stand up. Do you have any ideas?

INTERN: Uh…I like Flashdance…Maybe?

BOSS: You’re gonna go far kid!


Zombie Rooster



Just what every urban apartment needs to complete their Halloween decor. Cock-a-doodle crap! A zombie rooster…Let me say that again. “Zombie…Rooster”.  At what point do we stop and say “Enough with the Goth-damn zombies!”  Does anyone else other than me think that this crap is a little too much? Everything is now a zombie. I just saw a zombie yard gnome the other day. But now they make a zombie roo-  fuck this shit. Fail.


Glitter Glass Skull



Glitter? Repeat after me…”Hall-O-Ween”. Name me one horror movie where the kill scene involved glitter. We aren’t following the Yellow Brick Road, Dorothy. We’re trying to drown people in blood here, not make them feel a sense of comfort. Fail.


Silk’NPetals Rainbow Floral Leis 50 ct



Target…Just how the fuck did this even make it into the Halloween décor section? You had one job! Fail.

Black Bat Car Costume



VROOOOMMM! Look out folks the crapmobile is rolling into town!

Wow. Words escape me for this one. Christmas is just around the corner and we have to be tormented in traffic by the festive person in front of us that insists on dressing their Hyundai up as Rudolf, but now we have to ruin the image of every horror fan’s favorite nocturnal mammal. Now I understand why all the cars in Maximum Overdrive were pissed; they thought we were going to dress them up like we do all of our yappy lap dogs. Fail.


Crashing Witch Betty Bash

 crashing witch


This joke wasn’t funny when I was 8, and it still isn’t funny now that I’m 38. The fact is; it sucks. I really like how the manufacturer thinks all witches are green “little people” with near sighted navigational problems. I also like how the description says “Hanging up is a breeze”. Oh ho ho- ZIINNNGGG! See what they did there! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck. Do you know what a “floater” is? It is a turd that will just not go down the toilet no matter how many times you flush. This, my friends, is a floater. This made my list last year and you can bet that it damn sure will make my list next year, and the next year after that until they stop making this piece of shit. Fail.


Buried in the Lawn Skeleton



Quick survery: Who has ever seen a corpse on The Walking Dead, or Day of the Dead, or Dawn of the Dead, or What-the-Hell-Ever of the Dead rise out of the ground in the Missionary position? It is as if to say “Hey baby! Wanna see my boner?” or for you nonperverted people, (such as myself) would say “Help, I’ve fallen into the lawn!” I’m hoping to find a cheap store bought plastic skeleton and lay it on top of my neighbor’s in a 69 style position just to piss them off. Then maybe he’ll stop putting this outside where I have to look at it every time I get into my hearse.  I hope the guy that thought this up dies from a horribly disfiguring brain aneurism. Biggest. Fucking. Fail. Ever!


People listen to the words that I say. Don’t be the house in your neighborhood that is known as the “half ass Halloween decorator”. The only thing that is worse than having shitty decorations is having a shit load of shitty decorations thrown all together as if you just did a $100 shopping spree at the dollar store and nothing matches. You’ve seen the type; A hanging 7-ft devil, three bad Styrofoam tombstones, an inflatable friendly ghost riding a tractor, and a string of light up Frankenstein heads along the sidewalk.  Look, just set out a jack-o-lantern and call it a night, huh?

I get it if you have kids, you don’t want to scare them and turn them off to Halloween all together. Maybe then just scale it back to a couple of jack-o-lanterns and a few Casper rip offs. My kids are still very young and they are used to rotting corpses and ghostly faces that appear in the fog in my front yard. Hell, they play in my man cave and there is a reason that the family has named it “The Morgue”. I’m just saying that there is a fine line between child friendly and stupid. Wanna guess which the above decorations fall under?

However you decide to embarrass your family this Halloween, please keep in mind to stay safe. Ghosts, goblins, and ghouls all come out to play and insert rusty razor blades into your candy apples by the flickering of the bonfire lights. Watch out for each other, and as always…

Stay scared!


Renfield Rasputin writes horror, lies, and bullshit that you believe.

Motley Brew. Renfield’s pick for Halloween and horror themed beers.

It shouldn’t take one very long to notice that even alcohol companies are merging into the dark side with horror themed drinks and containers as well as horror themed people are merging into the alcohol (Marilyn Manson’s “Mansinthe”).  Today you can walk into your friendly robbery-free liquor store and see that Tekillya (sorry, couldn’t resist) comes in a Dia de los Muertos glass skull and they also distill blood red vodka that is appropriately named (name withheld until they give me a sponsorship).  Lately, internet rumors be damned, I’ve seen more craft breweries pop up and more horror themes associated with them.


Now as every unlucky reader of my articles knows that I am a whiskey, moonshine, absinthe, rum, beer kinda ghoul, and I have at times been guilty of having too much blood in my alcohol system. So stroll on over to your cooler and pick out your favorite adult beverage and pull up a morgue slab. I’m going to give you a run down on my favorite horror related beers for the Halloween season.


10. Black Metal Imperial Stout, Jester King Brewery, Austin TX – Not for sissies, this beer is chewable! Pitch black beer with a dark brown head, it is by far the darkest brew I have ever come across. It is an overdose of the rarest hops and brewed using Texas Hill country well water that gives it a highly bitter taste and a thick weight to the palate. The aftertaste has a bitter dark chocolate reminisce. 9.3% ABV. So it is not exactly horror, but very, very metal!

arrogant bastard

9. Arrogant Bastard, Stone Brewing Co., Escondido CA – If you thought that the last beer was an acquired taste, try this one! Dark body, with about a 1” thick tan head. It gives a strong caramel aroma, but the hops make your taste buds stand up and surrender. Tread lightly with this one. The label has a angry devil on the front with the warning that states “You’re NOT Worthy”. Yeah, I guess I’m not. 7.2% ABV


8. Strawman, Cider, Angry Orchard. – Yeah, I know cider isn’t beer but hey, I like apples…(no I’m not going to do the Good Will Hunting joke. That’s all. I like apples. Is there a problem?) A fine line between tart and tangy as well as earthy tones. Want a change but yet something that will slide right into the mood of the fall season? You’re welcome. 10% ABV


7. Dead Guy Pale Ale, Rogues Ale, Newport OR – Now here is a daily drinker. Deep amber color with a light tan head. It has a nutty aroma that reminds me of a Newcastle Brown Ale. The funny thing about this beer is that it tastes just like it smells with a hint of vanilla to the tastes. As a bonus, if you can find “Double Dead Guy Ale”, that is another must! I don’t understand the skeletal corpse on the label that wears a Pope hat and sits on a keg. Somebody isn’t getting a good seat in church this Sunday! 6.6% ABV


6. Devil’s Backbone, Belgian Style Tripel, Real Ale Brewing Co., Blanco TX – Named after the scenic (and haunted) ridge that runs through Blanco and Wimberly Texas. This is a light amber body with a medium tan head. Made using Czech yeast it has a strong acidic taste but a warm and woody aftertaste. Brewed using water from the Blanco River that is near the brewery the body is light weight and always tastes fresh. It has no preservatives so do not expect to find this beer served anywhere outside of a 500 mile radius from the brewery. 8.1% ABV (This one will sneak up on you!)

Zombie-Dust beer

5. Zombie Dust, Pale Ale, Three Floyd’s Brewing Co., Munster, IN – With the zombie craze in full effect, why not? A little lighter and with more citrus taste but still in the same vein as Dead Guy Ale. Light brown to copper color. Daryl Dixon would be proud. 6.2% ABV

Permanent_Funeral beer

4. Permanent Funeral, Pale Ale, Three Floyd’s Brewing Co., Munster, IN – Again these guys make the list. I can’t help it if they make quality beer! With help in the concoction from the band “Pig Destroyer”, you know this beer is going to be a motherfucker! So take the Zombie dust and lighten the flavor again, turn the color more golden and BAM; you have Permanent Funeral. I haven’t seen this beer in awhile and I think that it was discontinued to make room for the Zombie Dust. Damn shame. 5.2% ABV


3. La Fin Du Monde, Tripel, Unibroue  Chambley, Quebec, Canada – Translated to mean “The end of the world”, this dark gold brew with a thick white head offers less bitterness and more of a citrus spicy kick. With shades of lemon and coriander it is more like Colorado’s Blue Moon. You’ll think it is the end of the world when your glass goes empty! 9.0% ABV


2. Nightmare on 1st St, Pumpkin Ale, No Label Brewing. Katy, TX – You just knew that a pumpkin spice beer was going to make it in here eventually, sorry to make you wait for it. This one ranks up here so high because I have a problem with all other pumpkin spice beers. There is always too much spice and not enough pumpkin. Not in this case. Like a morgue scale, this has perfect balance. This is a very limited season run but it you can find it, stock up like I did. Come to think of it, I may be the reason you can’t find it. 9.27% ABV


1. Blackened Voodoo Lager, Dixie Brewery, New Orleans LA– This beer is as black as my soul, with a rich chestnut colored head and caramel aroma. It delivers a medium weight to the palate and a smoky aftertaste. Based out of the Dixie Brewery in New Orleans this beer was a residential secret for many years until recently it has been marketed to nearby Texas and Louisiana cities. The spooky swamp pictured on the label draws you in because; well swamps actually do look like that down here. 5% ABV


Well there you have it folks; the screwed up things that I will do to my liver to bring you folks the best news information. Please remember to drink carefully and have a designated driver if you are going to partake in any of this dreadful goodness.

And as a victim of a DUI accident, I encourage you to drink responsibly.

Stay scared my pretties!

Renfield Rasputin



Renfield writes horror crap, and gets unusually excited about the yearly release of Count Chocula cereal.


A Lesson In Style…or, Me No Not Like Mistakes (Bloody, gore, bloody, gore, blood)

Hello again all my members of the Renfield’s Grave Robber Union!

It is good to be back in written form again. I haven’t been posting my articles much since I’ve been focusing on my Re-Collection section, finishing other work, and getting ready for Shriekfest Film Festival where my feature screenplay “LaLaurie” is a finalist. (And the crowd goes wild!)

What I think I need to address to the masses (all six of you that are reading this) is the topic of style.  Think of it as a voice or an instrument. You can tell the difference between Sinatra and Cannibal Corpse right?  That is style. Even subtleties will come out when you pay closes enough attention. Take Joe Perry guitar work in Aerosmith and Slash’s guitar work in anything; both artists have a unique sound despite their similar styles. Every writer has to find their style and hone their skills using it. This is not something that is obvious at first, however the more you write will make you style come out over time. If this helps you, great. If it doesn’t, well at minimal you will learn what not to do.

Now, if I have heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times “Well that’s my style”.  Please remember the one basic rule: “Crappy is not a style.”

Let’s first address the part of style containing the “how” effect, or “how” you write your characters and story lines. With some writers, the “how” comes across as high school English class story. Just read it aloud and you’ll see what I mean. In the last few weeks I have read several works from self published writers who apparently have problems with editing and proofreading. If this is you, then you need to pack your shit up and move on to the next job or hobby. Every job contains a downside, and having another person proofread your work is this one’s. I hate it because my proofreader is Mrs. Rasputin. She is overqualified for this task considering her background, but the reason that I hate it the most is because she doesn’t get my humor, or my references, or my transitions. Come to think of it, I’m not sure what of me she does get, but hey, at least I’m not making stupid errrosrs tjhankss to herr!  Now what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, “how”.

Here is a short list of the crap that I have found in print from a few writers who insist that they are living off of earnings from their writings.  This is what I would consider “how” not to write.

“Either way, he didn’t want to piss her off either.” – Neither would I neither.

“He’d be coming.” – From where? The ghetto?

If you clamp something open, you cannot crank it open in the next sentence using the clamps. Clamps clamp. They don’t crank.

A “post key” doesn’t exist on a laptop screen for you to hit. The truth is, a post key doesn’t exist anywhere! Furthermore, ask Ray Rice what happens when you “hit” things.

If you have to break a conversation between characters so that the narrator can explain to the reader a specific place or item that the characters are talking about, maybe you should rewrite the conversation.

Heads up – shattered glass doesn’t “spray” around a person.  It can perhaps “blast”, “burst”, or “shatter” however. Just some options.

And for the love of Cthulu please don’t write out every action. The readers are not stupid; they can work through motions in their heads.  (They got out of the car. They shut the doors. They walked to the house. )This isn’t IKEA and we don’t need step by step instructions.

Yes all of these came from actual writings.  If you are interested please look up Stephen King’s book “On Writing” via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Santa Claus, or you local mom and pop bookstore in your hometown (support local business folks).  This will clear up a lot of the common mistakes that writers make when they are first starting out. Remember that the thought in your head does not always come out the way you may intend it to on paper.

Now during the spoken words of characters it is okay for the writer to give them an accent or have them make grammatical errors. Maybe the character’s accent is directly related to their regional location. Take Huck Finn by Mark Twain for example. The accents are so thick that it makes the story nearly impossible to read at some points. Just try to be careful as well as respectful when attempting to capture the accent.

Finally, as it pertains to the “how” of writings, let’s talk about staying on topic. I usually will go off topic for the fun of it. However, if you are writing about how your dog plays fetch with sticks, do not talk about your sister, your grandfather’s reflux disease, or how the interior of your brother’s car always smells like cheese. Think about what Stephen King states in his book, On Writing, and remember K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Stupid. Cut out the extra words in each sentence that is not necessary to the meaning or cause of the sentence.

Next, we need to diagram the “what” of style.  The “what” of style is the way that you convey your story, or in other words, picking out the type of genre that you write. In most of our cases, this is horror. Now, you will have to pick the subgenre, ie psychological, extreme, thriller, etc.  Allow me to repost a section from one of my earlier articles where I discussed writing horror.

Please remember that scary and fear mean two different things. Scary is whatever causes fright or alarm.1  Fear is the human emotion that is caused by something that is an impending threat whether it is real or imagined. 2 So what do want to do? Do you want to make something scary or do you want to make something that will cause fear? One will last for a few seconds, while the other will leave the viewer screwed up for some time. Do this wrong and you are left with an audience that didn’t get it and may make you look completely stupid. Let’s dig that grave a little deeper.

Let’s look at your average “scary movie”. To most, it is probably a slasher film that someone brings a date to (so that he can cop a feel when she jumps in his lap) where the music swells when the buxom actress gets antsy from a noise, she checks it out (naked of course) a cat jumps out of nowhere, the actress is relieved as the killer comes from behind and hacks her up. The end.  You go home and trash it on the old interweb.

Let’s look at the movies that cause fear.  Take Jaws or Psycho for example. I didn’t go into the water at the beach after seeing Jaws. What about showers?  Legions of fans did not take showers after Psycho was released. How about Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure?  I will never leave my bike anywhere near the Alamo again after seeing that!

Now at this point I have to point out to be careful of “shock” horror. This type or horror is when there is an overabundance of gore and exploitation just for the hell of it. Basically it goes against the grain of anything that is considered the social line of “acceptable”. These movies, books, or art contain an excessive amount of gang rape, blood baths, killing of animals or babies, imagery of violent mutilations, etc. I’m not supporting or condoning these mediums, because if that is what you are going for, “morgue” power to ya. But what I am saying is…I don’t get it. It is shocking, (again, so is last week’s paycheck) but it is not scary. Here’s why; a little blood goes a long way. Gore, expletives, violence, and sex is a much more effective image when it is done right, and by doing it right I mean sparingly. If you watch a scene that is drawn out where someone is about to cut off another person’s ear, when it eventually does happen, and those few drops of blood dripping from the wound are seen it is much more effective than seeing the victim drowning in blood from a lacerated ear. At some point it becomes more comical than horrific. This is when I start getting hate mail about “It’s not realistic when a chainsaw cuts off an arm and only a little blood comes out.” My answer is simple. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? HACKED OFF MANY AN ARM WITH A CHAINSAW IN YOUR DAY? So please consider your usage of such so that it doesn’t turn into a comedy.

To scare someone is easy. Startle effects are abundant, cheap, and easy to achieve. Kind of like my ex-ghoulfriends. To install fear in someone is a true talent. Thought has to be put into each scene and timing has to be just right. The difference between kill scenes from the Universal Monster years and the killers today is when they were done in the Universal years, the monster’s face was revealed and the camera held onto the image for several seconds before they slaughtered their victim so that the frightening imagery sat in. (Think of the scene in Phantom of the Opera where Christine removes Erik’s mask. That glare seemed to last forever.)

1 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/scary?s=t                             

2 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fear?s=t&path=/

Remember folks, any 3rd grader can gross out an audience, that doesn’t take talent. Want me to prove it? Fine, pick or blow your nose and wipe the contents in an obvious place on a public wall where it is sure to be seen. Next, step back and watch the action. Within minutes there will be someone who will come along and be completely disgusted at the sight. (Bonus points if you achieve vomiting!) Now ask yourself; how much talent did that take?

Again, if that is you cup of strychnine, fine. But who exactly did you scare? I encourage every writer to push themselves and attempt to achieve something in their writings that will leave the reader with a lasting impression (other than disgusted).  That may involve changing up or even accentuating your style by means of “what” or “how”.  “How” you do that, and in “what” way, is up to you to discover.

Until next time, rest in pieces.

Renfield Rasputin

Shiekfest Finalist

Renfield prefers if you are going to call him names, use the term, “Tombstone Trash”.

State of Union of Horror-Writers.net

images1One thing that horror has taught me is that…evil never dies. I’m sure by now all of you have heard about the things going on around the crypt about Horror-Writers and what will become of us, and what are we going to do now, and blah, blah, blah. For those who haven’t heard, Horror-Writers has undergone several changes in the last week, as it has in the past, and as every group has done before. It is the nature of the beast. Without being cliché, we could sum this up by saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Well, I’m going to clear a few things up, but I need you to help me by understanding something, and by taking the same perspective that I have on the issue, and that is this; there is one thing that is constant…evil. Because as horror has taught us in every sequel…evil never dies.

I’m not feeling my usual “Ren” self who is “everyone’s favorite grave robber” with horror-filled puns today folks. No I am writing you this as straight up Renfield. He’s the serious “I do bad things and don’t care if you don’t like it” one.  That is my warning. After that, don’t say you didn’t know and don’t bitch because you got hurt. 99% of Horror-Writers’ readers already know that and are tough, intellectual people. So if you are not familiar with me, get there quick, because I’m in my serious mood today.

First, I need to tell you that I’m going to make you think here for a minute folks. So if you don’t feel like using your brain and thinking, may I suggest that you either stop now or send in what we call in baseball a “pinch reader” as well as a  “pinch thinker” (which practically most of society is depending on these days). I’ve been sitting on this for two days and letting it stew about how I’m going to address the situation and all the questions. Now I’ve gathered my thoughts and can think clearly about this, I want to give you an analogy that will prove my point.

Remember high school physics class?  If you were like me you didn’t pay attention and was too occupied by imagining what the view was like under the skirt of the cheer leader next to me.  However I do remember a few things. Such as the second law of thermodynamics is “The entropy of an isolated system almost never decreases”. What that means is the energy given off by a system is absorbed by another and then used by that system until released and absorbed again by another. I view horror as a  negative (a good negative if there is such because I’m warped like that), and there can be such a thing as negative energy, or as some will refer to it as “evil”, and that energy can transform, but will never end. It may transform, but it never ends. As I said before…evil never dies.

I’m not going to get religious on you about how we are all evil, that we are born into sin and so forth. I will say that I view myself and all my associations as evil. If this freaks you out, congratulations! I don’t care that you don’t understand that.  I told you, I’m warped like that. I May not be Anton LeVey evil, nor even  Gargamel evil either, but more like “Don’t fuck with me and you won’t  find a rattlesnake let loose in your backyard” evil. It’s more of an anti-hero that you cheer for, evil. I also view HW as evil. Maybe not the Satanic Bible evil, nor R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps evil, but more Necronomicon evil.  And as for this website and all the loved readers…evil. We just love all your wicked ways. These are all as I would call “good evils”.  Oh, now you are getting it! (Sighs) Which leads me to my next thought.

I’m going to say this once. There is definitely one thing that is for certain. There is one common factor that remains as it pertains to this website. Horror-Writers.net will continue and it will continue down its evolutionary path without decreasing. Despite all changes from personnel line ups, formats, and ghoulish kid stuff that we post,  Horror-Writers.net is like evil (a good evil), and…evil never dies!


Keep it witchy,

Renfield Rasputin

My vote for the most vile villain…and no it’s not me this time!

Recently a few of the Horror-writers (dysfunctional) family and I had a Twitter battle regarding the biggest villain in horror of all time.  We all agreed that we would not use our favorite go-to’s that we at Horror-writers.net  prefer (i.e. Jason, Jigsaw, etc) and I would not use myself as the subject.  (How in the hell am I going to try to convince people that there is a horror villain more vile than myself?)

Various evil doers come to mind instantly; Dracula, various Price characters, but a true villain cannot have revengeful motives for their crimes. A true villain is not a supernatural being that has been shat from the bowels of hell, but a mortal that has the ability to choose to do good, but ignores it. A true villain has no remorse for their sins, and relishes in the fact that they are the prime culprit.

After meditating on the qualifications I started the scavenger hunt through my DVD collection. Oh! Here’s one…no wait that was a vengeful spirit. Alright how about…uh, no that was another justifiable homicide rampage. Here! Here is one that….no he was just plain crazy and didn’t know the difference. Well crap! I’m at a loss. Can I justify Dracula as the most vile horror villain ever? How many movies has the character been in? In all of those how many lives has he taken? No. I can’t. He is still a vengeful immortal that many of us who have lost a loved one unfairly can relate to. Sorry but that would be a weak argument and I’m not going to go there. I can do better.

Ah! I got it! How about the most wicked, most evil, most vile character known to man? This character has been the epitome of every evil deed.  He has been vilified in every religion around the world. He has been known by many names and faces. According to Quentin Tarantino, his biggest accomplishment “was making the world believe he never existed”.  Yes, the Devil himself! He could possibly be the ultimate evil villain. However…he is supernatural and this does break my qualifications that I set for myself.

So what about if I find the devil incarnate? A human that is not possessed by the devil, but rather thinks he is the devil. There has to be a human that is so evil, so relentless that the only thing that he cares about is himself and will stop at nothing to do it. (Rummages more through the DVDs.) Ho-lee shit! I’ve got it.

“I am the Devil, and I am here to do the Devil’s work” –Otis B. Driftwood

Now this is the part of my long manifesto that Shawn and Lisa and a few of you are going to drop your forehead/palm drop, but hear me out and let me explain dammit! You’ve already read this crap for four minutes and now you’re vested! So deal with it!

(I’m going to go ahead and rip off the Band-Aid. Here this is going to hurt but remember, it’s for your own good!)

Otis Driftwood. Yes, Rob Zombie’s character from House of 1000 Corpses and the Devil’s Rejects (and I’m not going to mention the Haunted World of El Superbeasto so let’s just move on).  Shawn stop banging your head, Chassity, I don’t even want to hear it “Mrs. West”, and Lisa…I heard that eye roll! Luckily I don’t think I have to worry about Cult, Dusty, or Bryan busting my chops on this one.

Since “House of 1000 Corpses” and “the Devil’s Rejects” give limited information on Otis’ background, I had to scavenge through various reputable internet sites to fill in the blanks. Most of the info herein comes from either the director’s cut with special commentary from the DVDs, the Rob Zombie song “Pussy Liquor”, or Wikipedia. (SPOILER ALERT).

otismakeup      “It’s all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.” – Otis B. Driftwood

Otis Driftwood was allegedly neglected and abused by his parents, who didn’t even give him a name. According to the song “Pussy Liquor”, his father’s name was Dane. He committed his first murder at the age of 13, presumably his parents. He was a drifter for much of his life, travelling over the country from Wilmington, Delaware to Hurst, Texas. In the small town of Ruggsville, where he met Cutter (Captain Spaulding), and was soon living with his new friend’s family, whom he had renamed “the Fireflys”, and Mamma Firefly gave him his name as we know, Otis Driftwood. Coincidently it was the name of the Groucho Marx character in the movie “A Night at the Opera”.

Otis and Baby bonded quickly, and had a tendency to set up muggings as well as murders (see the intro to the Devil’s Rejects). These violent killings were referred to as the “Son of Satan Murders”. Later, while Baby returned to Ruggsville, Texas (Hell yeah! Texas bitch! Sorry for the cheap plug). Driftwood continued his murderous rampage. He travelled over the country stealing and selling cars for money.

otis-b-driftwood--large-msg-117384431688    “Stop? Bitch, I have just started.” – Otis B. Driftwood

In the Rob Zombie song “Pussy Liquor”, it states that Otis is “white as a ghost, totally insane”.  This refers to his albino looks and out of control demeanor to others. In House of 1000 Corpses film confirms that Driftwood is by far the most sadistic of the Firefly family. Considering himself a revolutionary and an artist; he makes sculptures out of his victims, or skins them to wear as costumes. He kills Bill, and tortures Mary and Denise (Mary by showing her Bill’s mutilated corpse, which Otis dubbed “Fishboy” and Denise by wearing her father’s skin.) who he also killed, as well as Officer Steve Naish. He was going to shoot Mary, but let Baby kill her instead.

“You had to come all fuckin’ big stick, walkin’ tall, like a big fuckin’ hero. Got yourself to blame, hero. Look at you now, hero, you’re gonna fuckin’ bleed to death! …I want you to see what happens to heroes…” – Otis B. Driftwood

In Rejects his appearance changed to look more like Charles Manson with older looks and a full beard. Rob Zombie thought that this was a good move to remove his cartoonish appearance to more of a ruthless killer. By the second film, he had become far less animated, and more depraved and sadistic. As in the song “Pussy Liquor”, Otis “likes the girls young and clean, drowning in a bucket of gasoline”. He often rapes his victims, something that is only implied in the first film; however a special feature on the DVD shows Otis hitting one of the cheerleaders who was kidnapped in “House of 1000 Corpses”, then using his teeth to rip her tongue out of her mouth (not shown in close-up detail but it’s clear that’s what he is doing) before he begins sexually assaulting her.

otis   “Huntin’ humans ain’t nothin’ but nothin’. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. RUN, RABBIT, RUN! ” – Otis B. Driftwood

In the middle of Rejects, Otis takes the band “Banjo and Sullivan” hostage in their hotel room. During which time he not only sexually assaults one of the member’s wife using a gun while the husband watches, but he then murders Banjo and Sullivan. Later, he returns to his old habits of one of his victims and forcing the wife to wear her husband’s face as a mask.

At the end of Rejects when Sheriff Wydell captures Otis along with Captain Spaulding and Baby, he shows them a picture of her ravaged corpse, and Otis smugly says that she was still “good” for him, another reference to his necrophilia that ties in to the opening sequence where Otis is lying in bed with a dead woman when the raid begins.

At the end of Rejects, Driftwood meets his death by “suicide by cop”.

“Why”, you ask? “Why” is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh… conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface! ” – Otis B. Driftwood

Naturally we are dealing with a deranged person here. I don’t think I need to go into the psychodynamics of how murder, rape, necrophilia, etc are not the norm. I’m just going to let this summary speak for itself.

And by the way, everyone that doubts the evilness of Otis, the Firefly family won Spike TV’s Scream award for the most Vile Villain for 2006 and they were up against Jigsaw of Saw! Devils Rejects also won for best horror movie and it was up against Hostel.  (And who says award shows are fixed?)

Unofficial number of kills:  11 (known from the two films)

Unofficial number wounded: Many

Renfield Rasputin’s “give a damn” button broke last week. Replacement parts are on backorder.