The Worst Shallows Review Ever!

The Shallows is a 2016 film featuring a surfer lady getting lost in Mexico or some foreign country while being attacked by Jabberjaw.
Was the shark some sort of monster? I don’t think so, at least not with how many sharks are killed a year by humans. Now I am not trying to make some sort of vegan statement because if provided with the opportunity I would eat a shark. It’s probably delicious.
As for the film, pretty much nothing happens throughout it. It’s basically this surfer lady sitting on a rock the whole time talking to a seagull. The seagull was so bad at acting that it didn’t even know how to speak English and they didn’t provide subtitles either. I was very frustrated at this.
During the duration of this surfer lady on a rock, there are maybe 3 people who are eaten by Jabberjaw, and honestly they deserved it. At some point she fights Jabberjaw and kills him, which is probably the most exciting part of the movie but really I feel all he wanted to do was snuggle. But no, he gets killed instead.
Then this surfer lady washes up on the shore where she is greeted by Mexican Jesus and brought back to life. Then she lives happily ever after.
Now you may be wondering why this review doesn’t make any sense at all. This is where you have to ask, how do you dig up some sort of depth when it comes to a lady sitting on a rock for the entire duration of a movie and screaming at a seagull? 90 percent of seagulls don’t even speak English. My answer here is there’s a reason that this film was called The Shallows and not The Depths.

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