Horror News: July 22, 2015

I’m going to try to make this a regular feature here, but that’s only if I can keep the demons at bay.  The plan is to just kind of talk about some news in the horror community.  I probably won’t just start making stuff up.

I know I’m a little late on this, but Paul Feig released a cast photo of the Ghostbusters reboot.  Let me just take a look and…

hw news - ghostbustersHOLY SHIT!  They nailed it.  It’s perfect.  Goddamn perfection right there.  Look at the Ecto-1. It’s perfect and beautiful.
Look at Kate McKinnon.  Mind-blowingly perfect.

hw news - ghostbusters egonShe’s cartoon Egon and I love everything.

Pacific Rim 2
Rumor has it, this begins shooting in November.  In preparation, I will be watching Pacific Rim every day until the sequel comes out.  Maybe just the fight scenes.  Maybe all of it.  I’m a complicated person.

Michael Dougherty made Trick R Treat and that movie kicks ass.  So much ass.  It’s filled with terrible people doing terrible things, but I love it all the same.  His latest movie, Krampus, will be released on December 4th, and the poster is amazing.

hw news - krampus posterIt stars Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner and Allison Tolman, and it is already guaranteed to be on my “rewatch every Christmas” list.
It’s worth noting that The Mystic Party’s podcast with Krampus is one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

Dead 7
Nick Carter – Nick FUCKING Carter – is working on a script for Asylum, described as “zombie western futurific horror”, because he spilled his bowl of Alpha-Bits and that’s what the letters spelled.  Joey Fatone and other people from N’Sync/Backstreet Boys/New Kids On the Block/One Direction/2gether may be joining the cast.  Or maybe they won’t.  I’m not a mind reader.
I assume Alpha-Bits are still a thing.

Sinister 2
Remember how Sinister was good?  Besides about 5 minutes in the middle where kids were doing goddamn ballet in the house, and the very end where Bagul screamed “JUMP SCARE” at the screen, I mean.  Well, I finally watched the trailer for Sinister 2 and can confidently say that it will be dogshit.

They took the best parts of the original and said, “You know what? Needs more Bagul jumping around and shit.”

The Green Inferno
Eli Roth’s cannibal movie finally got distribution.  Now it’s gone.  Now it’s back on.  Now it’s gone again.  Just call me when it shows up out of the blue.  I’m too tired be tracking all of these movements.
On the plus side, season 3 of Hemlock Grove is coming next year.
Not really a plus side, I guess.  That show is terrible.

The Town That Dreaded Sundown
The DVD for the remake finally got released.  If you want the Blu Ray, you’ll have to go to Best Buy, as that’s the only place you can get it until September 8.  My point is, buy this movie please.

When the remake of Poltergeist comes out on DVD in September, one of the features will be an extended cut of the movie.  If it’s anything other than 30 minutes of Sam Rockwell dancing with ghosts, I’m not interested.



That’ll do it for now.  Stay scary.

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero

Cabin Fever Patient Zero Poster

I was not excited about Cabin Fever: Patient Zero. Why the hell would I be? The franchise, such as it is, is in shambles. Matter of fact, calling it a franchise is like calling Twilight a vampire movie.

Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever is an explosive juggernaut of gore, humor, titties, and teenagers making fabulously bad decisions. You know…all the things that make an unserious horror movie seriously fantastic. And Roth did it up right. It’s a magnificent flick that you can watch repeatedly and have a great time. Any genre fan that doesn’t like Cabin Fever is a goddamn communist trying to sodomize your freedom, eat your pets, and abolish your rights of inheritance.

But then came Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, which made Paranormal Activity look like The Exorcist, and Paranormal Activity was as painful as diarrhea with teeth. Don’t watch Cabin Fever 2. Or Paranormal Activity.

And now Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is the prequel none of us have been waiting for. It was supposed to have been filmed back-to-back with the fourth installment, Cabin Fever: Outbreak. That one got scrapped because now the original film is being remade with the same script and different actors because fuck everything. Eli Roth isn’t directing – since he’s already done that exact thing with this exact movie – but he is the executive producer. No one has been able to explain to me why this is happening.

Anyway, Patient Zero. It actually started off sort of promising. Not the sort of promising where you get your hopes up. More the type where you feel you might not have to dump Jagermeister in the DVD tray to get that taste out of its mouth. There was Sean Astin, whom I always enjoy in an I-fondly-recall-The-Goonies kind of way. He’s the titular patient being held captive by “scientists.” One of them is an extremely attractive young lady in a short skirt, high heels, and a low cut top. She’s a scientist because she’s also wearing a lab coat. There’s some witty dialogue constructed mostly of sexual innuendo, which is always a plus. The main characters are sailing their buddy to a tropical island for bachelor festivities. Said island is naturally the one where Astin is being studied as a possible cure to the flesh-eating fun that will erupt in the first Cabin Fever. So…spoiler, I guess? They don’t cure it? Whatever.

Overall, this thing just drags along pointlessly. There isn’t much new stuff here, although there are a couple moments of sincere awesomeness, like an oral sex scene that ends in high-pressure vomiting. I was ecstatic about that situation. Also, a fist fight between two rapidly decaying chicks? Yes, please. Let’s get sloppy.

Not worth it in the long run, though. The story isn’t really a story and, while that was forgivable in the original, we’ve moved on. The second sequel can’t rely on what the original film did. Despite The Hangover people deciding to make the same movie three times in a row, it’s not a good formula.

Other than Astin, the cast is a forgettable bunch of hot nobodies. Ryan Donowho is one of them. His entire bio on IMDb reads “Ryan is famous in the streets and subways of Manhattan as a bucket/drum player. His nickname is Focus.” Sweet. Another, Jillian Murray, starred in the gems Wild Things: Foursome, and Never Back Down 2: The Beatdown. So she’s a veteran of movies that have colons in the title.

Obviously I’m a fan of horror films that are so bad they’re good, as well as those that are traditionally good. This one is neither. It’s right in the middle which is the worst place to be. If you were planning to see it just so you’d be able to keep up with the direct-to-DVD fourth installment, don’t worry about it. Actually, if you were planning to see it at all, just don’t.

Hemlock Grove Episode 3: The Order of the Dragon

Drink of choice: Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat
It’s a good one.  As far as “pumpkin beers I can find at a store near my house”, this ranks near the top.
My original plan was to finally track down some Southern Tier Pumking.  I’ve heard nothing but amazing things about it (the guys at Blood Good Horror rave about it), so I thought it was about time that I tried it.
But it’s never available in Lexington.  However, due to my odd living situation, I’m in the Cincinnati area a couple days a week.  I looked at Southern Tier’s website, and there’s a “find Pumking” option.  Which I did.  It said there was a liquor store 5 minutes from my apartment that carried it.  What luck!  I figured I would stop by on my way out of town and grab some.  I got my dog in the car, and headed over to the liquor store.
The liquor store was no longer there.  Just an empty storefront in an abandoned strip mall.  An apt description of my life.  (That last statement is not true.  I have a fantastic life.  To quote the poet/philosopher Brother Ali, “I love the life I live.”)
I drove home with my head hung low.

Pre-viewing state of mind:
I was a little disappointed that I would be watching this and not the Patriots/Jets game tonight, but I checked the score to that game and feel like I made the right choice.  I’m not necessarily looking forward to this, but I’m not dreading it.  I feel like that’s as motivated as I’m likely to get.
Also, I went to a used video store today and nabbed Monster Squad, April Fool’s Day, The Devil’s Backbone, Zodiac and Cloverfield, so I’m in a pretty good mood.

Episode synopsis from Netflix:
Christina discovers a new victim, and Sheriff Sworn gets outside help from Dr. Chasseur.  Now a suspect, Peter joins Roman to find the killer.

In revisiting my theme of “what was the budget spent on?”, the dead body at the beginning of this episode was horrible.  Looked almost exactly like a mannequin.  Although the smile in the flashbacks was slightly creepy.
Also, for the record, I could go my whole life without seeing anyone kiss a dead body again (even one as terrible looking as the one we saw here).  Seeing that made me a sad panda.

“Damn fine coffee here in Hemlock Grove.  Damn fine apple pie, too.”
I have no idea what’s going on.

It warms my heart to see Dualla and Chief together again.

I love the idea of a guy with mind control, yet using that power for things like making freshman boys kiss each other.  I’m pretty sure that’s a massive waste of superpowers.  You’re part Jedi, and that’s the best you can do?  Shame on you, Roman.  Shame on you.

We’re all in agreement that Roman used his powers to have sex with (and accidentally impregnate) his cousin, right?  That’s not just me?

In reference to the new, murderous-yet-ultimately-self-destructive wolf in town, Destiny (Peter’s cousin/fake gypsy/“sacred whore”) says this: “This isn’t mild-mannered Bruce Banner.  This is Norman Bates.”
I know I’m picking nits, but I can’t help it.  This is not an accurate statement.  Bruce Banner could be described as mild-mannered.  However, his temper brings out the Hulk.  And, since the Hulk made an appearance quite often, I would say that Banner was not always in control of his emotions.
Norman Bates was also mild-mannered.  Extremely mild-mannered.  It wasn’t Norman that killed: it was his mother (or, rather, his split-personality that took on the traits of his mother).  When he was Norman Bates, he was kind, shy, and funny, if a little strange (or, perhaps, mad?  I heard he was prone to go a little mad sometimes.  We all are, really).
Really, Banner and Bates aren’t all that different from each other.  In their native state, both were good guys.  But, when the switch was flipped, they became monsters.  The Hulk is to Bruce Banner what Norman’s mother is to Norman.
My point is, that scantily-clad gypsy girl made a poor analogy.  Try to wipe the surprised look from your face.

This episode should be called “Roman’s Bulging Eyes”.

Times a variation of the phrase “gypsy trash” has been uttered: 1
Times Christina mentions she’s a writer: 1

Final thoughts:
I’d put it about on par with the second episode.  Not great by any means, but just entertaining enough to not make me hate myself for watching it.  (My standards are very low.)  They’re trying to build a sense of mystery, but it’s just not working for me.  I honestly don’t care where this show goes or what happens to any of the characters.  It’s too wrapped up in trying to be mysterious to actually build that sense of mystery.

Post-viewing state of mind:
Tired.  I’m slightly sick, so that’s not helping matters at all.  I also have a feeling that this is as good as the show is likely to get.  If this season’s peak is “sorta watchable”, then it’s not a good show.  But I’m going to keep watching it, so maybe that says more about me than the show.

Hemlock Grove Episode 2: The Angel

Hemlock Grove - Poster

Drink of choice: Simpler Times Lager
Because I don’t have enough money to keep my fridge completely stocked with good beer, I have to go cheap from time to time.  At $4 for a six-pack, this qualifies as cheap.  It’s not bad, but it’s not really good, either.  I have to drink it pretty quickly; the warmer it gets, the worse it gets.  I tried them koozies the kids are all talking about these days, but they don’t seem to help.  It doesn’t help that my hands are made out of fire.

Pre-viewing state of mind:
Tired.  College football was on all day, which was great.  But I don’t have cable, which is bad.  There was only one game on at a time, and none of them were good.  Watching bad football for nine hours takes a lot out of a man.  I’ve also been converting a bunch of old vinyl to mp3 throughout the day, so I can feel somewhat productive, but not overly so.
In short, I am probably not in a good frame of mind to watch this.  But I’ll power through, because I’m a professional.  (Kind of.  Not really.)

Episode synopsis from Netflix:
Roman confronts Peter at the crime scene, finding common ground.  Letha reveals a shocking secret, and Olivia and Norman fall into old habits.


Tim Messenger would refer to this episode as “The Angle”.  Although, if he were still with us, he’d probably find himself aligning more with Sleepy Hollow than Hemlock Grove.  (Who didn’t love that reference?)

This face-to-face meeting between Roman and Peter is just terrific.  They don’t play well off each other at all.  However, the contrast of their hair is completely delightful.  I call this scene, “Slicked vs. Tousled”.  Who wins?  We do.  We all do.

CG angel wings.  Oh man.  That’s some next level humor.  I feel like this entire show is one big troll session.  This isn’t supposed to be good, is it?  I feel like I’m missing something.  I have never partaken in illicit substances, so maybe that’s it.

I didn’t care for the sex scene in the bathroom.  Something about implying sex but showing blood makes me uneasy.  I know.  I’m a prude.  I’m in my 30s.  Get off my lawn.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the guy who plays Peter is actually a decent actor in this episode.  Roman, on the other hand…jeepers.  Unless they’re instructing him to makes his eyes kind of big and repeat lines on a page with a complete lack of emotion.  If that’s the case, then he’s killing it.

Apparently gypsys love Night of the Living Dead.  I knew it.

I want Roman to do more accents.  That old-timey one he dropped on an unsuspecting Letha was tremendous.  It was almost like the actress didn’t even know how to respond.  Best moment of the series so far.

“Did you want to come here and talk about hot boys all night, Roman?”
(Okay, so he didn’t actually respond in that fashion, but you know he was thinking it.)

One snake gets out and the entire dance is ruined?  What kind of school is this?  If every dance was stopped in my high school the second a snake showed up, I never would’ve gotten to second base.

Roman just said, “I have legs that won’t quit,” and I swear it doesn’t make any more sense in context than it does out of it.

These driving scenes are like some bad, Cary Grant-era greenscreen scenes.  If the internet is to be believed (it has never misled me, so I don’t know why it would start now), the budget for this season was somewhere between $45-$52 million.  That’s a lot of halibut.  I have to believe they could shoot better driving scenes than this with that budget.

Loved the concept of the transformation.  Very detailed.  Very gory.  Lots of ripping flesh.  But, in the end, it just looked really cheesy.  I laughed pretty hard at least twice.  I really wish they had gone with practical effects, because the CG just didn’t look very good.  Something about seeing the face of a dog come out of the face of a man is very humorous to me, apparently.  I don’t see what the hype is all about.

Times a variation of the phrase “gypsy trash” has been uttered: 1
Times Christina mentions she’s a writer: 1

Final thoughts:
might be crazy, but that episode seemed a bit better than the first one.  Maybe it was just because I finally got to see the transformation, but I doubt it, because I didn’t really like the transformation.  I actually kind of liked the Peter character.  He had more of a personality in this episode.  And, while the rest of the characters and storylines weren’t very good, there was enough in this episode to not make me completely dread watching the next one.  Progress!

There was a distinct lack of Christina in this episode, which is a real shame.  I kind of like her.  I’d prefer more of her than I would more scenes of her young (young young young) sisters talking about having sex.  That was unpleasant.

Post-viewing state of mind:
Cautiously optimistic.  I don’t think this is going to be a good show, but there’s an outside chance I won’t completely hate it.  And that’s as optimistic as I’m likely to get.  “Hemlock Grove: It might not be the worst TV show I’ve ever seen, after all.”  Then put up a picture of me winking and giving a less-than-enthusiastic one-thumb-up.

Hemlock Grove Episode 1: Jellyfish in the Sky

Hemlock Grove - Poster

I was going to post this last night, but my internet died directly after the episode ended.  It was like Time Warner was telling me that they really, REALLY didn’t want to watch another episode.  It was the equivalent of hiding the remote.
Either that or Time Warner has spotty coverage.

Drink of choice: Sam Adams Oktoberfest
On top of being a great beer, Oktoberfest signals the best time of the year.  The pennant races are heating up (as a lifelong Tigers fan in his early 30s, the pennant races rarely held much interest for me until 2006, when they burst back towards relevance.  From the ages of 8-25, this was normally a pretty depressing time of year).  Football is weeks away.  The weather is getting cooler.  And, of course, Halloween is so close you can taste it.

Pre-viewing state of mind: Having just finished a bowl of Reese’s Puffs and listened to the relentlessly upbeat new album from Noah and The Whale (Heart of Nowhere), I think I would describe myself as “vaguely cheerful”.


Immediate nudity is a plus.  Creepy lurking high schooler cutting himself is a minus.  I guess that’s a wash?  I think it’s a wash.

One of the characters actually just said, “There’s so much more happening than what you think you see.”  Subtle foreshadowing, Roth.  Veeeeeeery subtle.

I swear some of these shots look like soap opera production.

With this show featuring gypsy scum and thieving kids, it’s only a matter of time before the crusty jugglers start showing up.

Christina – the self-proclaimed novelist (but God help you if you call her Hemingway) – seems to pretty much be trying to be Summer Glau.  Or, more specifically, River Tam.

An appearance from Chief (Battlestar Galactica).  That was fun.

This acting/dialog is terrible.  Truly, truly terrible.  Even Famke, who is always great, is shockingly bad.  Is that an accent?  She’s in and out of it.  I feel like she doesn’t want to be there.
It’s like they nabbed Famke, Lili Taylor, and a bunch of people who couldn’t hack it on daytime soaps.
I’m going to try not to harp on the acting, but we’ll see how well I’m able to stick to that.  I’m not a strong man.

I feel like the guy who plays Roman is the same guy who was the warlock (Landon?  Is that right?) in Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft.  I know he’s not, but…that hair, man.

This music is awful.  Very overdramatic.  Every note seems like it’s trying to be very important, but it just comes off as cheesy.

I have a feeling the people in the writer’s room sat around trying to craft a Twin Peaks-esque show with werewolves.  (In fact, I can almost guarantee “Twin Peaks With Werewolves” is the mission statement of this show.)  But no one involved has a fraction of the talent of David Lynch.

Times a variation of the phrase “gypsy trash” has been uttered: 3

Final thoughts:
That was pretty bad.  They tried to build a sense of mystery and intrigue, but the story/dialog/acting doesn’t allow that build to happen.  Maybe it gets better, but I very much doubt that’s the case.  I think what I just saw is what I am going to get.  This doesn’t bode well.
Still, it was entertaining, if for none of the reasons it was supposed to be.  I suppose I can do another twelve episodes of this.

Post-viewing state of mind: Confused.  That’s it.  Just confused.