Revenge of the toasters…

Robots, a topic that I believe has been sort of swept under the rug and ignored. More than likely because of our technological advancements, people see nothing to fear. So over time the machines that would ultimately take over the world have been over looked. After watching a few machine based films as of late, I’ve realized that this is most certainly a topic that should be brought back and discussed in film such as it was with James Camerons Terminator series, which if you haven’t seen, you are very deprived and I’m going to be honest, you should feel bad. The film revolves around the machines taking over the future so there’s an entire rebel alliance that fights against them but when the machines send a Terminator (cyborg with a mission to kill) back in time to kill the leader of the resistance, the rebel group sends a member back in time to combat and save their leader, then a bunch of stuff happens in between. Needless to say that the intention of the film wasn’t that machines would literally take over and we would have to fend ourselves from Terminators and other cyborgs but that we would become overly consumed by technology and enslaved by it. In the sense of nose always stuck in cell phone, 500 television channels on your cable box. All of that stuff Tyler Durden is against. There has been an enormous zombie trend going on as of late which ties in to all of this, here we are fearing a zombie apocalypse, despite it’s already upon us due to technology. You may as yell consider acronyms such as “YOLO” a spit in the face from the machines with their beep boop bop flippidy flop drives and what not. So despite that entire hiding in the basement conspiracy theory jingo jango, I do sincerely believe that the robots,cyborgs, and machines should be brought back into the spotlight. Which a film that really inspired me to think into it recently was “The Worlds End” which was an amazing spectacle of a film and recommend anyone with a soul and a sense of humour to check it out, in fact I require you to do so. I love that machines were the antagonists in the film because it’s just bloody brilliant. They come to earth trying to take over by recycling the humans and replacing them with machine replicas based off of their DNA. Then there’s an entire moral story involving growing up and such, giving into the machine. Growing up and becoming a robot through the union of one with society. Then another film that I really enjoy which isn’t a part of the horror genre is Robocop, you can’t hate Robocop though, if you do then you’re a communist and hate puppies likewise. It’s about a guy who is a cop that gets all sorts of blown to bits, only to be resurrected as a cyborg. Part man and part machine. Soon after they rebuild him, he is off kicking ass and taking names but ultimately when the other machines his owners develop go rogue, it essentially is the machines revolting in attempt to take over. Then the sad truth which I must admit, I would love to discuss even more amazing movies that deal wtih robots but you ultimately realize that the genre is lacking so much. As of late it’s very bare bones while zombies get all of the attention which in my opinion don’t deserve what so ever. The machines have taken over and the end is near, stay thirsty my friends.

Deadites Gone Wild

Deadites, today I am talking about Deadites. Some people have their holy grail and is Evil Dead. My thoughts aren’t revolving around the overall films but the evil within the woods itself; the Deadites.

Ancient Kandarian demons possessing people and generally fucking shit up. Of course there is a new generation that is more familiar with the remake; Which to me didn’t have Deadites in it what so ever. Several of the zeds in the film reminded me more of Edgar from Men In Black. There were several times when I was waiting for the zeds in Evil Dead’13 to start commanding David to bring them sugar and water. Though I reject Evil Dead’13 for everything but Eric, who was like Red from Pineaplle Express in a horror film. This isn’t about that, this is about Deadites, pure ancient kandarian demons possessing teenagers with in the woods.

I’ll begin with something that I found awesome about the Deadites, the fact that they taunt their victims; Whether it be Cheryl from the first or it be Henrietta from Evil Dead 2. The time spent in the trailer was basically the two of them harassing the soon to be victims as well as Ash. There’s something about that which adds to the atmosphere of the film because not only are these chaps being tortured physically by the Deadites but they are taunting them and laughing at their suffering.

Their soulless eyes, the blank white contacts that Raimi used for the Deadites was bloody brilliant. There is a saying that the eyes are a gateway to the soul, so if you have nothing but emptiness to look upon then what you are observing is utterly soulless. They are evil. They are the abyss. You look into those empty eyes and you know that your friend is no longer with you. Then of course the tricks that the Deadites pull where they flip back into the human who they possessed to lure them in close and slaughter them. It’s insanely awesome. There’s a certain suspense to it if you haven’t seen the film before which makes one ask the question if somehow that person had the will power to fight off the demon and take back control, then as the would be hero gets close it’s just BOOM! They get attacked.

Their facial expressions and make up, there’s just something evil about how Linda looks as she sits laughing and singing “We’re gonna get you, not another peep. Time to go to sleep”. Something about Linda’s face as well as Cheryl’s was so menacing, especially in comparison to the characters in the remake. There was just something so much more menacing about the Deadites rather than the zeds, something magical the zeds lacked.

Now for the best part about the Deadites, all bets are off, there are no rules. They kill to kill. Once they snatch your soul essentially there is no coming back what so ever. With Ash being the exception, first due to circumstance then the second being the power of love, the will power he felt from seeing the necklace that he gave to Linda. People in the originals were getting possessed without any real explanation. It just happened. There was no telling who was next and who would soon to be tortured. This is what made the Deadites so awesome rather than the Zeds from the remake. There’s no cleansing from fire, dismemberment, or live burial. No ability to simply put a plastic bag over someone’s head and have it be that simple. Despite there being a remake, the original and the Deadites will always stand out as the best to me.

THEY CAME FROM URANUS

In an earlier article I brought up the zombie craze which has made me wonder, wouldn’t it be wiser to prepare for an Alien invasion? Where is the fear for some sort of Alien race invading the earth and taking it over and enslaving all humans? So before you read this article any further, prepare your tin foil hat.

Now you may be wondering why exactly I have told you to prepare your tin foil hats, it is so that the extra terrestrials can’t read your mind. They could be on to the fact that we are aware of them? Have you considered that maybe the entire zombie craze was produced by the Martians in order to direct your attention away from the fact that they exist as well as their anal probing? If you haven’t hopefully you have now but there are several types of aliens that we must be aware of, here are a few examples of films that you should watch in order to ensue your own safety.

First off we have Predator. As we have seen in the two film installments they are not fearful of invading our planet but they tend to only hunt down what they would find a challenge such as military personel and things of that matter. If you ever come in contact with an alien of this species, the best thing for you to do is cover yourself in mud. He sees through the use of infrared vision, this means it picks up on the heat given off from your body. If you do so then you should be pretty much well set to escape it. Now to kill it, you have to be absolutely physically dominant against it, there are no mess ups when fighting a predator.

Second is Alien. I’m not specifically sure what this species name is but these things are vicious, they attack at random rather than only killing the more physically dominant of a specie. So hide your kids, hide your husbands, and hide your wives because this creature is killing errybody. There isn’t too many ways of killing them but just remember when doing so their wounds spit out acid. Yes that’s right, their blood is acid. It will literally eat right through your face if you aren’t careful. In my opinion if you encounter one of these and you aren’t ready or willing to take it on. Run;run as fast as you can but don’t guarantee because you do so that your life is any less safe than taking it on in a head to head battle.

The third species of course are “The Martians” as featured in the film “Mars Attacks”. Upon their arrival, do not release any birds of peace. They will take this as a threat. Then get pissed off and start killing everything on the planet. This specie is pretty vicious. One of their main focuses is to kill off the humans and take over the planet. Unlike the Predators or the Aliens, their main goal is to hurt us, this isn’t any sort of accidental invasion or random hunt gone wrong. This is them invading to murder us. You must avoid their laser rays. Being shot by one of their guns results in your disintegration and death so be weary. As to kill them it is pretty simple. All you have to do is play “Indian Love Call” by slim Whitman and you will rid of the Martian menace in no time at all. Their heads will begin to explode upon hearing the song.

Finally, the species from Starship Troopers. These insectoids are brain suckers, they stab your head with their claws and suck your brains out. They are truly relentless death machines. If I remember correctly the best manner of killing them is to start blasting them and of course you have to shout out an awesome catch phrase as you do so “I’M A LEAD FARMER MOTHER FUCKER”. If the information I have given you is false and your brain gets eaten by one of these things then that’s on you for not confirming that what I said is in fact true. For all you know I could be one of them typing this with my alien claw thingies as as I slurp down some delicious brains.

These are the four main alien species that you do in fact need to be aware of as apposed to the alien species of District 9 or Signs. In fact all you have to do to kill the alien scum from Signs is throw water on them and they’ll die so swing away George, swing away. Hopefully as you read this your tin foil hat was nice and snug on top of your head. Then you pulled your family into whichever room you’re reading this from and you discussed your survival plan. If not;then you should, little Timmy doesn’t need to die because you decided to be stupid and not come up with a plan. Prepare your weapons and start stocking up just in case because like with some sort of biochemical warfare that can kick up in a heart beat creating zombies, Aliens can just as well invade the planet and begin taking over zapping us into oblivion or eating our brains. So let’s get prepared to SAVE MOTHER EARTH!!!

I want to know what your survival plan is for the Alien invasion, leave me a comment below.

Noferatu, where are you?

Vampires, what do you think of when you hear that word? Hopefully your thoughts drift towards vicious blood thirsty creatures of the night; the tales of Dracula and Van Helsing. Unfortunately there is a generation that will not associate the word “vampire” with these things. Instead they will think of a certain franchise most famous for a certain twinkly cry baby sissy boy by the name of Edward Cullen and his love for a teenage girl Bella . There’s also a werewolf guy thrown in the bunch. Now in case you aren’t familiar with the Twilight franchise it’s about a girl (Bella) that falls in love with a vampire (Edward) then some shit goes down, he twinkles and the other guy from the triangle turns out to be a werewolf. She’s like 16 years old wanting to bone this vampire guy that has to be pretty old. As you know a vampire is already dead so she would be committing the act of necrophilia which as we all know is just nasty. Eventually I think they get it on and she has a baby or something. I don’t know though, I’m not a Twilight enthusiast as you can tell, in fact it’s an entire series that should just be looked over It’s bad enough that it blew up as big as it did. Lets take a moment to thank those chubby emo girls that hang out at Hot Topic for this malicious fecal distribution. Not only are the vampires and werewolves terrible in this but so are the humans. Anyone that looks up to Bella as a role model is pitiful, if you want a really great strong female role model look to Buffy The Vampire slayer and in this era of vampire media, I sure do miss her because she had the guts to go out there and take care of buisness. You know what she would do to Mr. Twinkletoes a.k.a Edward? She would drive a stake through his heart and cut off his head. It’s just so terrible that a franchise like Twilight could destroy the mythology as it has, it needs to stop. Hopefully in the next few years some sort of revolution will take place bringing back the carnage, blood, and mayhem that were once attached to the vampire name rather than this cheesy jingo jango romance rubbish. Hopefully vampires will no longer be associated with those silly little fan girls and their obsessive love with a sparkly spineless imbecile. Maybe we’ll see more movies like The Lost Boys, Fright Night’80s, From Dusk Till Dawn, and 30 days of night. I feel that vampires are in desperate need of a reboot. If you are falling in love with the evil Nosferatu rather than fearing them then something is seriously wrong. In a sense it does make you wonder though if some sort of vampire illuminati put out the Twilight series so a new generation wouldn’t fear them as much and they would be able to feast upon their blood a lot easier. Although I do have to admit that it is a genius horror series on the sole basis of the countless nights spent awake fearing more and more merchandising, books, or movies being released; or anytime that I would make a joke about the series and some obnoxious 14 year old girl would throw a brick through my window threatening me. As for vampires, here’s to hoping that it gets better.

Zombiemania

It’s been Zombiemania ever since the release of Walking Dead and even prior, people can’t seem to get enough undead carnage to feed their appetite but have you ever sat down and thought really hard about who you would have in your zombie survival group? If you work in an office, it may be a good idea to discuss your groups and how you would pair up just in case there is no more room left in hell and the dead walk the earth. So I thought about what celebrities I would have join in on my crusade for survival in an undead world.

1.Justin Bieber, now I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself why the Biebs, simply because I’ll have someone to trip and laugh at. Other than that he really serves no purpose but for get away bait.If the Biebs were to carry anything it would be a dummy gun, just a wooden model of one.

2.Bruce Campbell, he has been through so much trauma due to Raimi on the sets of the Evil Dead films that he probably has some sort of PTSD. So as soon as stuff starts to go down, he’ll snap out of it and start kicking the ass of the living dead. Bruce would definitely get a chainsaw and a shotgun.

3.Dwayne Johnson “The Rock”, have you seen how huge he is lately? That guy is a mountain of muscle that can be used to build barricades and get a lot of things done that the smaller guys aren’t able to do. I just picture him dropping the peoples elbow on one of the ghouls. There’s just so much he can get done, he’d be amazing for the team. His weapon would be some sort of machine gun.

4.Simon Pegg, he may come off as a slightly odd choice but the guy is hilarious. It won’t be the most fun and liberating of times but I’m sure that he would be able to diffuse a lot of stressful situations. He’d be great with a cricket bat.

5.Amy Adams, she doesn’t necessarily serve too much purpose but she seems like she’d be really sweet and caring. Not only that but able to think past makeup and things of that short. As for her weapon I’d say a defibulator, I’m not too sure how that would work but I’ve never seen it and I think it would be quite hilarious.

This group I think would fit so well together. Well at least two through 4 but Biebs would be zombie bait anyway for a tight situation. Other than that, I think these people have some really great minds as well personalities so then survival can at least be fun when it can rather than just a constant period of misery.

As for a location, I say The Winchester and of course if you’ve seen Shaun of the Dead, you know why. We’re all going to grab have a nice pint and wait for everything to blow over.How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

I want to know who would be in your celebrity zombie survival group? Leave a comment and let me know your 5.