Worst Review: Fender Bender

Fender Bender is a 2016 straight to dvd/blu ray film from Scream Factory that they made on their own and from watching it you can tell that they sure love horror. The film captures the feeling of an 80’s slasher perfectly however you need to buy a copy in order to check out the retro vhs cut of the film which is so amazing that it makes text messaging and smart phones feel as though they are from the 80’s. With that bit of seriousness out of the way, here goes “THE WORST REVIEW OF FENDER BENDER”
Fender Bender starts out with some lady taking a bath, she starts getting text messages from a stranger that she was in a slight Fender Bender with earlier in the day. This man uses her information to find her, stalk her, kill her. All that horror film stuff. The atmosphere as everything is unfolding in this sequence is brilliant as it captures a certain feeling that modern slashy slashy cut people movies lack. One of my favourite parts about this film is the title, it is so stupidly convenient to the plot. Because you see, this man causes FENDER BENDERS to get peoples contact info. FENDER BENDER is also the name of the movie. Isn’t that genius?
As for the rest of the film, this man goes on to do more bad things such as hitting a girls car, looking up her information, going and killing her and her friends. This guy is not very nice but then again how can anyone stabbing your fucking face off be nice? It’s awesome that this killer guy has no real purpose, it may reveal it at the end, I don’t remember but it doesn’t try to be deep and ask “Why is this man killing?” Which it’s probably because he is a bad guy, that’s what bad people do.
At this point, I have no idea what the hell I am writing about or on about but I highly recommend this film. If you have 20 dollars, order it from Scream Factory even though it’s too late to get a cool poster out of it.The packaging  has amazing reversible cover art. It’s a far better movie to buy than that shitty Ghostbusters remake. editor’s note I liked the new Ghostbusters movie.
In general, I highly recommend that you check out Scream Factory and their horror releases. I am also unaffiliated or sponsored by them but if they come across this “WORST REVIEW” and decide to be like “Ayy this guy is pretty chill, let’s send him copies of our releases to review” I am not opposed to it.

The Worst Shallows Review Ever!

The Shallows is a 2016 film featuring a surfer lady getting lost in Mexico or some foreign country while being attacked by Jabberjaw.
Was the shark some sort of monster? I don’t think so, at least not with how many sharks are killed a year by humans. Now I am not trying to make some sort of vegan statement because if provided with the opportunity I would eat a shark. It’s probably delicious.
As for the film, pretty much nothing happens throughout it. It’s basically this surfer lady sitting on a rock the whole time talking to a seagull. The seagull was so bad at acting that it didn’t even know how to speak English and they didn’t provide subtitles either. I was very frustrated at this.
During the duration of this surfer lady on a rock, there are maybe 3 people who are eaten by Jabberjaw, and honestly they deserved it. At some point she fights Jabberjaw and kills him, which is probably the most exciting part of the movie but really I feel all he wanted to do was snuggle. But no, he gets killed instead.
Then this surfer lady washes up on the shore where she is greeted by Mexican Jesus and brought back to life. Then she lives happily ever after.
Now you may be wondering why this review doesn’t make any sense at all. This is where you have to ask, how do you dig up some sort of depth when it comes to a lady sitting on a rock for the entire duration of a movie and screaming at a seagull? 90 percent of seagulls don’t even speak English. My answer here is there’s a reason that this film was called The Shallows and not The Depths.