Dear Zombie Hunter,
You were so very clever to use the always badass Danny Trejo has a lure. It looked as though I would be watching a movie about Danny Trejo killing zombies. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. In actuality, this was a movie that has something to do with a drug epidemic (p.s. that hot pink drug looks exactly like the stuff used to put animals to sleep) that somehow leads to “eaters” and “flesh eaters”. I’m pretty sure the difference between the two was explained, but I really don’t care.
Instead of Danny Trejo,the baddest of all who claim to be badass, I’m given a poor man’s Jason Statham. Dude has a severe drinking problem, only one facial expression and he talks like Christian Bale’s Batman. None of these qualities are appealing. I’d also like to know where he’s getting this endless supply of tequila in a land where you can’t always find gasoline.
I understand that the token slutty girl is pretty much a requirement for horror movies, but what the what? Do you really expect me to believe that, in the middle of a flesh eater outbreak, some crazy B is going to install a pole in her warehouse so she can pole dance when a handsome stranger rolls through? That poor girl. I don’t know who is responsible for making her run around the desert in stiletto boots and fishnet thigh highs, but you should be ashamed of yourself. She probably has corns now because of that. BTW, if tequila is in endless supply, then surely hair bleach is as well. Someone take care of this girl’s roots!
Let’s get back to my Danny Trejo problem. He’s front and center on the poster, but he’s only in the movie for, what, 10 minutes? Yes, he is given two super awesome zombie fighting/music videos, but that’s pretty much it. I was a huge fan of how he was decapitated in prayer position, but that’s the only really nice thing I have to say.
Sure, you gave me a zombie person thing that looked like it had time traveled from the Harry Hamlin version of Clash Of The Titans and you had a wackadoo clown with a chainsaw,but none of this was worth my time. While I did enjoy that all of the scenes that took place in a vehicle looked a lot like Sharknado, it was still lame. In fact, I wish I had just watched Sharknado again.
Thanks for nothing,
Wait. One more thing. Why are zombies always eating intestines? I realize they’re not super clever, but surely they understand that the intestines are the garbage disposal of the body.