Welcome back to my second year of “Worst. Halloween. Decorations. Ever.” special! This year’s cornucopia of crap comes from the people that brought you White Trash and Ghetto Fab America, Wal-Mart, and the stars of discounts for dummies K-Mart, as well as the upper-class with no class Target. And lastly and leastly, the store that every Family Dollar aspires to be…You wanted the best, well they couldn’t make it…so here’s Big Lots. Everyone hold their applause. (Insert cricket noises here.)
Maybe it because I’m a purist, and I don’t take my Halloween lightly. Maybe it is because I hold the holiday sacred and appreciate the thought that many put into their decorations and costumes. Maybe it is because I’m an asshole. No, that’s not it…I’m far past that.
Here is my abbreviated list of things that you should be embarrassed to owning. If you do own any of these items that I am about to rip to shreds, don’t admit to it, just burn them in a small bonfire out on a dirt road somewhere so that they may never tarnish our beloved holiday again.
I want to send a special “Up Yours!” to Target and Wal-mart for having such craptastic software that disables viewers from downloading their pictures. They probably know what I was going to do with them! I highly encourage you to follow their links to see such train wrecks.
But Mommy I Don’t Wanna Grow Up Adult Costume
(I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED TO LET ANYONE COPY THIS PICTURE IF I WERE WAL-MART ALSO)
Yeah, because you are not douchey enough as it is, so here is a costume for you! Why does “Mommy’s” fac e look like she smells a dirty diaper? Here is what I really want to know: How much did they pay this model? Can you imagine the conversation he had with his friends and family after this photo shoot?
Model: So I modeled for a few costumes and they are going to be on Wal-Mart’s website.
Friend: Oh yeah? Which costumes? Batman? Jason? The banana?
Model: Not exactly.
Friend: Well which ones man?
(Model goes to laptop and pulls up the page)
Model: Yeah? Yeah? What do you think.
(Friend gets up with his beer and walks off)
Model: What? I needed the money!
Well, at least it isn’t the pregnant nun costume again. FAIL!
Walking Tongue Clown
Clowns are already bothersome. The last thing that we need is some animatronic “Douchey the Clown” that has a “walking tongue”. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m damn sure not interested in finding out. The description says “massive tongue”. Now I welcome you to make any sexual joke that you want here folks, but may I just remind you that the tongue is still attached to a five foot robotic clown that looks like it has scabies. Oh! Not so turned on anymore, huh? Fail!
Totally Ghoul Animated Dancing Skeleton
Dances to Flashdance’s terrible dance (s)hit “Flashdance…Oh What A Feeling”. Do I really need to make fun of this turd or can you already see the humor in just how dumb this really is? Who really needs a skeleton in a coffin dressed as Jem and the Holograms, that shakes its hips to late 80’s dance music that sync to LED lights? This item had so much potential until they gave it to the intern and let them finish the project. Can you imagine everyone sitting around the meeting table:
BOSS: Any ideas of what the skeleton can dance to?
1st EMPLOYEE: I think all the kids like that Rob Zombie guy.
2nd EMPLOYEE: You know Alice Cooper has that “Welcome to My Nightmare” song. That scares my wife.
BOSS: Hmm. Yeah. You! The new guy in the back, stand up. Do you have any ideas?
INTERN: Uh…I like Flashdance…Maybe?
BOSS: You’re gonna go far kid!
Just what every urban apartment needs to complete their Halloween decor. Cock-a-doodle crap! A zombie rooster…Let me say that again. “Zombie…Rooster”. At what point do we stop and say “Enough with the Goth-damn zombies!” Does anyone else other than me think that this crap is a little too much? Everything is now a zombie. I just saw a zombie yard gnome the other day. But now they make a zombie roo- fuck this shit. Fail.
Glitter Glass Skull
Glitter? Repeat after me…”Hall-O-Ween”. Name me one horror movie where the kill scene involved glitter. We aren’t following the Yellow Brick Road, Dorothy. We’re trying to drown people in blood here, not make them feel a sense of comfort. Fail.
Silk’NPetals Rainbow Floral Leis 50 ct
(PICTURE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE TARGET’S WEBSITE IS A LITTLE BITCH)
Target…Just how the fuck did this even make it into the Halloween décor section? You had one job! Fail.
Black Bat Car Costume
(PICTURE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE TARGET’S WEBSITE IS A LITTLE BITCH)
VROOOOMMM! Look out folks the crapmobile is rolling into town!
Wow. Words escape me for this one. Christmas is just around the corner and we have to be tormented in traffic by the festive person in front of us that insists on dressing their Hyundai up as Rudolf, but now we have to ruin the image of every horror fan’s favorite nocturnal mammal. Now I understand why all the cars in Maximum Overdrive were pissed; they thought we were going to dress them up like we do all of our yappy lap dogs. Fail.
Crashing Witch Betty Bash
This joke wasn’t funny when I was 8, and it still isn’t funny now that I’m 38. The fact is; it sucks. I really like how the manufacturer thinks all witches are green “little people” with near sighted navigational problems. I also like how the description says “Hanging up is a breeze”. Oh ho ho- ZIINNNGGG! See what they did there! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck. Do you know what a “floater” is? It is a turd that will just not go down the toilet no matter how many times you flush. This, my friends, is a floater. This made my list last year and you can bet that it damn sure will make my list next year, and the next year after that until they stop making this piece of shit. Fail.
Buried in the Lawn Skeleton
Quick survery: Who has ever seen a corpse on The Walking Dead, or Day of the Dead, or Dawn of the Dead, or What-the-Hell-Ever of the Dead rise out of the ground in the Missionary position? It is as if to say “Hey baby! Wanna see my boner?” or for you nonperverted people, (such as myself) would say “Help, I’ve fallen into the lawn!” I’m hoping to find a cheap store bought plastic skeleton and lay it on top of my neighbor’s in a 69 style position just to piss them off. Then maybe he’ll stop putting this outside where I have to look at it every time I get into my hearse. I hope the guy that thought this up dies from a horribly disfiguring brain aneurism. Biggest. Fucking. Fail. Ever!
People listen to the words that I say. Don’t be the house in your neighborhood that is known as the “half ass Halloween decorator”. The only thing that is worse than having shitty decorations is having a shit load of shitty decorations thrown all together as if you just did a $100 shopping spree at the dollar store and nothing matches. You’ve seen the type; A hanging 7-ft devil, three bad Styrofoam tombstones, an inflatable friendly ghost riding a tractor, and a string of light up Frankenstein heads along the sidewalk. Look, just set out a jack-o-lantern and call it a night, huh?
I get it if you have kids, you don’t want to scare them and turn them off to Halloween all together. Maybe then just scale it back to a couple of jack-o-lanterns and a few Casper rip offs. My kids are still very young and they are used to rotting corpses and ghostly faces that appear in the fog in my front yard. Hell, they play in my man cave and there is a reason that the family has named it “The Morgue”. I’m just saying that there is a fine line between child friendly and stupid. Wanna guess which the above decorations fall under?
However you decide to embarrass your family this Halloween, please keep in mind to stay safe. Ghosts, goblins, and ghouls all come out to play and insert rusty razor blades into your candy apples by the flickering of the bonfire lights. Watch out for each other, and as always…
Renfield Rasputin writes horror, lies, and bullshit that you believe.