Good Mourning graveyard ghoulies and crematorium cretins,
The witching season is upon us and to celebrate, if you are anything like me you will decorate your crypt from top to bottom in orange, black, smiling jack-o-lanterns, black cats, crazed witches, and other spookshow-a-rama goodness that will give thrills, chills, and make you jump with fright. I have looked around and noticed that lately the Halloween decorations are just not the same as they used to be. They are worse. Much worse.
I decided to list my top 10 epic failures for Halloween decorations. Either click the links or cut and paste the links for direct viewing of each piece of crap that was shat out of Hell!
Brace yourself for a sea of sorrow.
10. Gemmy 13.4-in Lighted Musical Animatronic Tabletop Assorted Ravers
What the hell is this nonsense and who is the escaped lunatic that thought it was a good idea? If we don’t buy the dancing Santa’s we aren’t going to buy this crap either. I think the “scary” attribute to this is the fact that it dances to a One Direction song. “Plays a cool song” my ass!
9. Light up yard owl.
Is it just me or does this pile of shit have its head on upside down? Maybe they had their head up their ass when they designed it so it looked right side up. “WHHOOOO’s scary?” Not this crap.
8. Celebrate It! Halloween Pet Costumes
This item is a sure bet to end up on the clearance shelf during Thanksgiving. Just what every poodle owner has dreamed their pet to be for Halloween. Glenn Danzig of Misfit era, and a purple some shit. No really, what the fuck is that thing?
7. Boots and Broom Yardstakes
Ding Ding! All aboard the shit train! Next stop…this piece of crap! The witch crashed, yeah, yeah, yeah, never seen that before. To top it all off she then got a broomstick impaled up her ass. Who thought this shit up, John Hathorne? Dumb.
6. Skull Disco Ball
They say disco killed rock and roll. I can see why. Real dumb.
5. Toxic Sewage Toilet Seat Grabber
Because the next time someone asks you “What crawled up your ass?” you can show them this picture of what looks like a porta-potty at the last Lollapalooza. Rats, spiders, and flies swimming in green piss! Well I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go!
4. Lawn Skeleton Decoration
I have seen every episode of the Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Return of the Dead and all its sequels, Dawn AND Day of the Dead, etc…and I have never seen a corpse rise from the grave in the missionary position.
3. Crashing Witch – Betty Bash
For the love of Christ, please stop with this old gag. It wasn’t funny 20 years ago and it still isn’t now. I’ve heard of tree huggers, but this bitch takes tree love a little too far with tree humping. “Guaranteed to bring a laugh to all who sees it”. Here’s a heads up, they are not laughing with you!
2. 14” Halloween Hollow Tree
You know I had to attack Wally World at some point (just wait, the stupidity gets even worse). Remember that I found this in the OUTDOOR section. What the hell is up with a 14” OUTDOOR tree decoration? Did we learn anything from This Is Spinal Tap and the 18” Stonehenge? Now if you can find a little person to dress like Pumpkin Head and dance around it, you’re set.
1. Life-Size Rockin Chair Santa Boxed Halloween Prop
I don’t think I even need to comment on this one.
There you are folks, my picks for the top 10 epic failures of Halloween decorations. Well, they can’t all be zingers.
If you liked my list, thank you and I am Renfield Rasputin. If you didn’t, or you own some of this crap, my name is Oliver Closeoff and you can write any and all hate mail to www.renfielddoesntcare.com.
Until next time, rest in pieces.
Renfield Rasputin hot rods hearses and in his spare time gives twerking lessons at LSU. (At least until campus security finds out).