Enough with the goddamn zombies already!

 

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No, really! Enough with the zombies! I’m really sick of the all the books and movies about crusty, rotten, nonliving creatures of the apocalypse meandering around looking to eat “BRRAAAAIIINNNSSS”. I like the classics like everyone else (Night, Dawn, Day, Return of…)and I respect Romero for everything he has done with our industry. I even like the Walking Dead, but that is debatable about being a real “zombie horror” show/comic.  But please! Stop already with the damn zombies!

We complain about how Hollyweird cannot come up with any original ideas and then we turn around and write fucking zombie apocalypse books and movies with the same plot over and over again. The bad part is, hasn’t anyone picked up on this and am I the only one that is sick of it yet? If I wanted to be surrounded by a bunch of decomposing lots, I’d dig up my Grandpa and his friends. I don’t need to be forcefed this crap.

 I’m sure the same (shallow) think-tank in Hollywood that brought us remake upon crappy remake of our favorite classics is sitting around a table in a dark smoky room thinking up the next zombie some-shit-whatever. There is probably a single light bulb hanging over the table with eight corp(se) executives sitting around the table when the main guy stands up at the end.

“So the zombie shit is doing really well. We keep making it and they keep mindlessly putting their money down and eating this shit up without thinking about it. It’s kinda like life imitating art!” (Laughs all around) “So let’s do another zombie movie. Anyone got any ideas?”

 A nervous stiff (pun intended) in the back raises his hand in the swirl of smoke that rotates around the room.

 “How about an apocalypse?” the stiff suggests.

 “How about a fucking raise for you, Anderson! That’s what I’m talking about! Now, how did this shit happen?” the “BRRAAAAIIINNNSSS” asks.

 “What if we didn’t say?” another stiff interjects, looking around the room for his approval. “I mean, it could’ve just happened.”

 “Goddamn you guys are good! Damn good! I like it. I like where this is going. Now, what do they do when they come back? I mean they’re zombies; they can’t drive around can they? Or can they?” the boss enquires.

 Confused looks overcome the room.

 “Come on people! We have something going here! Someone look this up.” the leader of “yessirs” quips while loosening his tie from the heat.

 Several of the employees whip out their phones and open their “Google” apps while others download AMC’s The Walking Dead.

 “It’s going to be a long night folks. We’re gonna be here for awhile.” The boss says before hitting the intercom button the phone beside him. “Stacey, order us some pizzas and call my wife. Tell her I’ll be late tonight. Yeah, I know. Hang on I’ll check. Anderson, you’re allergic to olives right?”

 And that folks is how your favorite zombie movie is written. Do you even want me to diagram the process of how that new up and coming horror author’s zombie survival novel was written in a Starbucks over a venti skinny decaf mocha latte with extra whip over one afternoon?

 If any of the three of you read back a few articles, I wrote about “Giving the Phantom a new mask”. I will summarize it quickly as to not lose you with the details. When trying to write the next big thing, please attempt to be original. If you do not have an original idea, then give the old idea a new twist, thus “giving the Phantom a new mask”. I’ll help you out since I see smoke coming out of your ears from the overload.

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Try this, “space zombies”, “dinosaur zombies”, “reanimated zombies coming back to life and living as real people zombies” (Think of the problematic possibilities with that one! I mean, do we really need Anna Nichole Smith back?)

 I’m going to grandfather in any book, movie, comic, etc that was made before 2010, and that in my opinion is being lenient. However if you are writing the next big zombie novel, please be damn sure that it is not a replica of something else out there and the only difference is the character’s names. If you send in your novel and want me to read it, here is a heads up – if it is about zombies, it is going to back of the line! The plot on a zombie apocalypse novel is rather thin. Here I’ll sum up the last six I’ve read…survive. Here is the plot on the last four zombie movies I’ve seen…survive. There’s not that much breathing room that you can have with this. They’re dead, you’re not, they’re hungry, you kind of are. Well, Taco Bell is open late and half of their food is raw so both the living and the dead can score. Moving on.

 Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to writing my next vampire novel. It is a love story about a lonely girl who is new in town, falls in love with a loner who happens to be a vampire. Their relationship is a struggle since he feels that he cannot give her the love she deserves since he is undead. From there the plot just kind of thins out. I’m going to sell it to “young adult” females and housewives. (I can hear the cash register ringing now!)