Blair Witch: A Review From Someone Who Has Not Seen The Movie

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This is literally the worst review of a movie possible by a guy who didn’t see the movie

Before you get too into this review, please note that the title basically serves as a disclaimer: due to the fact that I am reviewing this film without having watched it, I’m just going to make up random nonsense that I hope you, the reader, enjoy or find yourself consumed by. If you shake your head and ask yourself “what has this guy been smoking” while reading this, then I have succeeded. Besides, you’ve probably already read reviews and are looking for something to sway your opinion as far as seeing this film goes. Well, look no further. This review will do it.

Blair Witch 2016 is a film from some guy who is probably semi famous and directed by a guy whose name I wouldn’t recognize. Then random people that nobody has ever heard of will run around in the woods with cameras filming things.  Sometimes scary things happen and these people react to it. It’s very interesting how terrifying the rustling of leaves is but what do you expect when you’re running through the woods high on PCP looking for a witch? Personally, I feel as though they should have left the job up to Scooby Doo because it was obvious throughout the film that the witch wasn’t real, it was just somebody dressed up in a costume trying to scare people away from their gold. Very generic standard stuff and it left me wondering.  It’s 2016. Haven’t they invented a cough and cold medicine that will keep your snot off of the camera lens? At least carry a Kleenex or two, or wipe your nose with a leaf.

Truly, the best part about this film was the opening scene whenever the camera is sitting idle and people keep looking into it and talking to it, it’s as though they’re speaking to a real living being but there are intervals in between each time they would communicate with the camera, at one point, there was a New Years party. Now I may have just described a scene from Robocop but Robocop was a good movie.  An amazing film by Paul Verhoeven.  This is a man that isn’t just a robot, he isn’t just a cop, he is a MOTHAFUCKIN ROBOCOP.

If I am being honest, you should probably just pass on Blair Witch ’16 and watch Robocop instead. I am talking the original with all of the pure 80s fun.

As for Blair Witch ’16 overall, I don’t think you should take the time to see it. You should go see Nine Lives instead. You know, that Kevin Spacey film where he voices a cat? Yeah, that one. Go see it instead of Blair Witch ’16. I give Blair Witch ’16, 2 stars for even making me write all of this mess without even watching it. There isn’t some underlying message of “DON’T SEE REBOOTS/REMAKES” or maybe there is.  I’ll let you be the judge of that.  But if there is any one thing you need to understand from my writing, it is this: Robocop is a damn fine piece of cinema.

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